Why Am I Jealous of My Boyfriend’s Ex?

I have the sweetest boyfriend but I’m secretly jealous of his ex girlfriend. They went out for almost a year and broke up like five months ago. I’ve only been with him for a month. He’s still friends with her and they have almost every class together and they live near each other too and they have all these stupid inside jokes. It bugs the crap outta me. I don’t know why i care so much. She has a new bf, my bf broke up with her, and i totally trust him and everything. So how do I get these feelings to go away? I’ve never been like this and i don’t want to make him not talk to her b/c i’m friends with my exes and he doesn’t care so why should I? Is this normal?

-Jealous Jane

Dear Jealous Jane,

What you’re dealing with sounds totally normal and understandable. Dealing with exes can be tricky, but it sounds like he’s over her and really into you. I think you’re jealous because she has a history with him that you don’t have with him yet, since you two just started dating. It takes time to get to know someone so well, and it’s understandable to be jealous of the fact that they’ve shared a lot of time together and she gets to see him more because of her class schedule and where she lives. The important difference to recognize is that it sounds like you’re more jealous of that than of her as a person. New relationships require time to feel like you have something solid and special with that person, and so until more time has passed, you’re probably going to feel a little uneasy about all they shared in the past vs. what the two of you currently share now.

If this has really been bugging you, it’s best to let your boyfriend know so that if you happen to act different around his ex, make a sarcastic comment–or worse blow up about it–he’ll already know why. Make it clear from the beginning that you don’t want to end their friendship since you trust him and don’t feel uneasy at all about how he acts towards her, but let him know that you’re trying to deal with these uncomfortable feelings by recognizing that you’re jealous of all he’s shared with her and the time he naturally spends with her vs. how often you get to see him. It might help to add an example about how he might feel if one of your exes got to spend that much time with you. And, whenever you’re around her try to remind yourself that she’s part of his past just like your exes are part of yours.

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