“All Guys Want is Sex”

So there’s this guy, (I know, the beginning to every girl’s ‘guy problems’) let’s change his name to Stephan. We had known each other for quite some time through mutual friends, but we never really became friends until the middle of the first semester of my freshman year in high school. Stephan was funny, really laid back, and super easy to talk to. We had one class together, so I saw him virtually everyday, we’d crack jokes, he was just a good guy. I really only thought of him as a friend, because he was a senior and I was a freshman, and he was graduating anyway, so I knew it wouldn’t last. Well in class we started talking more, texting, hanging out outside of class, he came to my house after midnight and we just watched Netflix on my iPad, and I figured, “Hey I’ve never been with a nice guy before, why not?” And it really was nice. I liked him, and I was pretty sure he felt the same, so the second to the last day of school I told him I liked him and walked away. He told me the only reason he didn’t take things further was because he was going to college. I said we still have the summer, so things resumed. Stephan and I never put a label on things but we both knew the feelings were mutual. We talked almost everyday for hours on end, and things still were great. It felt like he was different from all the other guys I’d been involved with, like we had a deeper connection. Anyways fast forward to the end of June, late night, he tells me over the phone: ‘I don’t know how to tell you this but I think you’re pretty hot.’ I was pretty caught off guard but I figured he was either half awake, or horny because he never said things like this, so I replied casually and shrugged it off. Something was still off so I asked him if he was holding back something he wanted to say, things got tense and I finally said: ‘Tell me what you want.’ He responded with ‘I want to have sex.’ And something set me off. It was the realization that he was the same as every other guy who was only interested in me because of my looks and my body. It made me feel like a worthless whore and that I had nothing else to offer to the world. I cried not because of him, but because of how he made me feel the way I did. I’ve lost my usual enthusiasm and charm with people because I’m afraid I’ll meet someone great, just to find out that they never liked me for me. I wanted to be the girl that was respected and liked for her mind and more than just an object, that is used and only seen as hot. Because lately, that’s all I have felt like.

From, Anon
Dear Anon,
I can understand feeling objectified by what “Stephan” said. You thought he was in it to spend time with you and enjoy your company and now you feel like he was only doing that to have sex with you. That might be the case, but maybe he did enjoy spending time with you but wanted sex to be another part of your relationship. You can’t know his intentions for sure, but at the end of the day what matters most is what you want and don’t want. You don’t want that and it sounds like you made yourself clear, which is very important. Some guys are only interested in sex, regardless of how old they are. But there are plenty of other guys out there who want companionship too, and a relationship in which there is friendship, honesty, love, and mutual respect. I do have to say, at least he was honest with you. You pushed him to say what he wanted and he told you straight out. He didn’t lie to you or pressure you.
 I also have to say that a senior wanting to have sex with a freshman is a big jump across a significant age gap. That may sound a little “momish” to you, but think about how much you’ve changed in the last four years, since you were in fifth grade. A lot has happened, right? I’m not saying that teens should only date people who are 1 to 11.5 months apart or something crazy like that, but dating someone significantly younger or older should be carefully considered. No matter how mature someone is, certain life experiences (like starting high school or starting college) change people in ways you can’t always anticipate. You’ve either been through those moments or you haven’t. It varies from person to person, but it’s something to think about. Having older or younger friends is very different from having a romantic relationship with someone, especially when thinking about relationship histories, life experiences, and sex.
I’m glad that you recognize your worth and know that there is so much more to you than just your body. You have a great deal to offer the world. Don’t ever forget that. But try not to lump all guys together because of how one guy made you feel. I’m sure you hate it as much as I do when men talk about women like we are all the same when we know we aren’t. We want to be seen and valued as individuals, and so do they. Yes, there are some terrible guys out there, but there are also some equally awful women out there too. There are guys who are caring and shy, intellectual and fun, romantic and witty, genuine and outgoing, amazing as friends but crappy as boyfriends, etc. That doesn’t even cover it, but I’m sure you get my drift. The only way you’ll ever get the chance to know any of the solidly good guys with varying personalities is by opening yourself up. You have to be willing to get to know them like you want them to get to know you. It isn’t easy and taking a chance on someone is as scary as walking on a tightrope. But if you fall, you know (or will learn) how to pick yourself back up and make yourself happy again all on your own. I totally understand if you just want to take a break from all of that right now, but try to leave the door to your mind and heart ajar.

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